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Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
11:25 pm - Update

I changed my username from ptandlollypop to carve_me_a_star :)

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Tuesday, July 26th, 2005
9:19 am - Exploring

I came across this community through random searching and found the community bio to be interesting.

I am wondering if the members of this community can help me to understand, to understand why the acts of self-mutilation, the effects of mental illness and depression has had on your lives, in general... what has drawn you together and what have you taken out of an association and sharing of these similar predicaments.

I must admit that I don't understand the majority of what you are going through, I have been down the depths of depression though maybe not as deep as members of this community. But I wish to receive any sort of enlightenment you can provide and I thank you for any you can give. My goal is to receive as much information as possible in order to help in my own introspective journey.

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Friday, June 24th, 2005
12:15 am - Hello All


I'm a new member of this community.  I'm not the stereotypical cutter, I suppose, because I'm not goth or anything.  None of my friends even have an inkling about my habit, and I created a seperate journal just to keep them from seeing that I'm a member of this type of community. 

I honestly can't remember when I started cutting myself.  I started by scratching at a very young age, and as I got older and needed more to experience the same effects, my cuts got deeper and more severe.  I've cut with everything, it feels like: razor blades, paper clips when at school, kitchen knives, pieces of broken class, and currently with a lenoleum cutter that I find gives just the right effects.  No one's ever found out besides a couple other cutters I know, and I've never been to a therapist or anything.  My sister's seen some scars on my arm, but I told her I was just trying to give myself a tattoo.  It's going to be nice to have a forum where I can talk candidly with other cutters.  I don't think I'll ever be able to stop this, but that doesn't mean I can't become educated about the habit.


current mood: hopeful

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Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
9:09 pm - NEW MEMBER


I'm new.  It's nice to be among people who understand the dark and beautiful nature of the cut.  I cut to drink my own blud, when I can't find anyone else to feed on.  I REALLY love blud.  It nourishes my soul.  Does anyone else here drink her own blud?  I hope so. 

I'm new to livejournal, so if anyone wants to add me, that's fine.  But I don't really need freinds. I'm a dark vampire goddess and my nature is to be alone.  I've been cutting for 247 years, and I'm going on 248.  


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Monday, June 20th, 2005
12:43 am



please join

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Sunday, May 29th, 2005
6:12 pm

Hey so I"m lynz, I'm new in this community so It thought I'd intoduce myself. I'm 16, I love metal. I'm not into labels and I hate superficialness. I have been cutting for three years so I thought I'd come on here and listen to some stories and post a bit so yeah. C YA Around!

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Friday, May 20th, 2005
9:48 pm


current mood: blank

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Sunday, March 20th, 2005
11:02 pm

I sat down to cut... I did some small lines.. Got abit carried away.. I dunno if stitches should be needed.. I can`t tell, they said if it happens again I`m going away..

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Sunday, March 6th, 2005
12:40 am - hello

Hello, I'm a new member...my name is Joy.

I've been 'struggling' with cutting for many years now and have come to the point in my life where I'm trying to find out really what is so wrong with it and what causes people to react the way that they do when they see someone has cut themselves or when it is brought up in conversation. Why do people fear it? because they struggle with it themselves or because they do not understand it. It makes me sad that people are hushed into silence about this issue because they are ridiculed when they bring it up. All of my friends look down on it and 'worry' constantly about me. I have many reasons why I've cut in the past..I haven't now for a few weeks and I'm thinking of running with it simply to make myself more presentable but it's very hard not to, especially since I'm going through a lot right now.

I used to do a lot with my cutting more along the lines of "art". I would carve words or designs into myself..I am quite obsessed with scars and blood, so besides the fact that it illeviated pain for the time being, I also was/am extremely attracted to it and found/find it very beautiful. In past relationships I did a lot with blood play, cutting, biting, scarring, and burning. I fear that it's something I will always be really attracted to. Then again...why do I fear it?

Why am I rambling??
I'll shut up. none of you know me. I'm in the process of making a community with a friend and I've been up for far too long. Please forgive me.

My latest CreationCollapse )

current mood: tired

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Thursday, February 17th, 2005
2:58 pm - Endemoniada's Live Journal Community

Endemoniada 'zine has been dedicated to giving exposure to female bands and artists of the thrash/speed metal, death metal, black metal, doom metal, heavy metal, grindcore, hardcore, punk, industrial, gothic, and bizarre genre since 1993. Gals and Guys welcomed to community.

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Monday, January 17th, 2005
4:07 pm


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Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
12:32 pm





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Friday, January 7th, 2005

The synthetic dream foundation is probably my favorite new school band, and finally after several months of silence, they have a new song posted on their website! Anyone who is interested in aggressive, and experimental styles of electronic music should definitely go download it immediately, as the song is pure brilliance! Its called "Plasma ring" and is an experimental EBM dance monster, with old school industrial sound elements. Its probably their "clubbiest" song ever, so I hope some local DJs take note, as I would LOVE to dance to this song on a loud sound system. You can grab this track from their site at

current mood: excited

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Thursday, January 6th, 2005
12:48 am - ...


Ok... wow... I am sooo stressed right now! My fiancé and I are in the process of adopting an 8-month old girl named Tia from a teenage mother. Tia is living with us right now, but this is the hardest part: the birthmother has the right to take back the child within 30 days of the initial adoption. I just looked at my calender and their are still 26 days to go!! What if she changes her mind and wants Tia back? I don't think I could take that, I've fallen completely in love with her, I feel as if she's my own. I couldn't stand to lose another child.

I'm fighting the urge to cut or burn or anything just to get the stress to go away! I'm trying to be strong, but it's so tough! I'll probably end up cutting tonight...

Well, sorry this post was so long, just needed to vent...

current mood: stressed

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Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
10:14 pm - what up /new

hi im i just joined this place. i been cuting my self for 6 year. i i think it cind of funny when my friends say they are haveing a mental break down. But they are really are not. and they what me to fell sorry for them for have he mental break down. i have so meay mental break down that they really dont change my day that much. i so used to it. the thing i miss the most is being happy. what is been happy. the sad thing is that i dont rember being truely happy. i haveent taking my meds is like 6 days. and there are a few new cuts/burns. well i did this beacuse i new friend or some one to know that i am a live. thats about it if you whato be my friend. i would like that.

current mood: cold

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Monday, December 13th, 2004
3:36 pm - Damn

I'm at Robert's house and while he was upstairs I went into the kitchen and got out a knife and I wanted to hack up my arm... Only did a few scratches because I was too pussy, but in a way I'm glad now. I don't know what made me do that. Fucking hell, I thought I was over cutting. Damn. I'm sick of being so fucking moody and up and down and that shit. I'm not even coherent. I'm so fucked up.

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Thursday, November 18th, 2004
8:27 pm - so... Help?


So I haven't cut in a while...Collapse )

current mood: hopeful

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Tuesday, November 16th, 2004
8:11 pm - Anyone have advice?

So last night in a bout of hysteria i cut my arms again. This morning i woke up and realized i had totally forgotten that im supposed to stand up in my cousin's wedding next week. The dress is strapless and i have no idea how to cover the scars!!! Anyone have any advice? I tried wearing a sweater over the dress but it just looks terrible and i cant have anyone know, especially the whole chuch! Please, does anyone have any ideas on how to cover my arms?

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Saturday, November 13th, 2004
8:30 pm

So i looked at that site last night that blackrose963 posted the other day. The stories were really moving and hopeful. But then i decided to look around the site and i found the pictures area. There was a warning to the link that said do not look at these pictures unless you have a readily accesible support system. I haven't hurt myself in months, so i decided to look. and i did. and as i was going through them i became more and more sick to my stomach. I never got very bad, well at least as bad as some of those photos. Those people. like im not one of them. I look at my simple scars and say im not one of them. My cutting sessions would only last for a couple of deep, controlled lines and then the knife would slip from my hand in pain. And i couldn't stop myself from looking more. I knew it was dangerous for me to be back into it, seeing it. Those with deep cuts had blood bubbling out, and i knew exactly what that looked like. Lately ive been thinking about moving to my legs because my arms have been showing a lot. Thats really the reason i fight it so hard not to cut myself during the summer, i don't want anyone to know. But now that the cold has settled in im not sure smoking is going to be enough to stop me. So i turned off my monitor and sat there in the dark frantically searching my phone for someone to call. Someone who would come stay with me tonight and keep me warm and wanted. But the only people who i could call i didn't trust. They are all people with crushes on my or who i had treated badly in the past couple months while i was fighting the long sleeves.

I told my girlfriend the other night about my scars when she was shaking me and telling me not to ever cut myself. "well i do sometimes. So that's just something you'll have to deal with again. I will never push it on you like your ex did, i actually don't tell anyone. But don't ever tell me i don't know what its like to deal with that because i have." and i left. And when she brought it up again i told her i didn't want to talk about it. Ever. And one day maybe ill be ready, but it will not be any time soon. And i realized id never talked about it. When i put myself in therapy i pretended it was because the love of my life had moved away and i was having trouble dealing with it. But when she moved back and i quit therapy, i didn't stop the frantic searching for knives when no one was home. It especially happened when i was at my 35 year old boyfriend's house when i was 18 and id have sex with him so hed pass out and then id crawl away to the kitchen to whimper on his kitchen floor with a knife.

I think its a little like smoking. Once a smoker, always a smoker. Once a cutter, always a cutter. But i never tried to kill myself, i just wanted to realease some of the pain. But i can't get it out of my head, and im so depressed. And i think moving away is going to help? I can't get away from these urges and i dont want to stop. But i just want to know what happiness is like without seeing blood staining my unhealed wounds in the middle of the day.

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7:01 am - Anne Sexton

I hope it is ok to post this here. I have checked the userinfo, but please delete if it's not ok. I've started an Anne Sexton community - sextonpoetry - basically for ANYTHING Sexton-related - posting her poems, photos, discussing her, posting any Sexton-inspired poems of your own you have written, etc. I'm writing a book about Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath so I'll be asking for members' opinions/thoughts about various different issues sometimes too.

If anyone is interested, I look forward to seeing you there!

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