Sawsi (xzcryingveinszx) wrote in bloodyparts,

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Dear dairy
Im not sure if anyone reads this anymore but that’s what have been happening
I had a big fight with camy yesterday, she then decided to leave so I followed her and kept on screaming at her.
I was pissed off, I m not sorry coz of what I did coz if I didn’t put a line for her so would have opened it in skool and then I would have lost my temper….yea and I don’t feel like screaming at the top pf my lungs at skool in the middle of the hall way.

Had a fight with my mom also, it was pretty bad coz I wouldn’t shut up.
Here is the thing, I cant keep anything inside of me anymore, well if I did, im gonna go back to cutting coz I cant take it…this week was horrible, I felt like cutting every fucking damn day.
Im going crazy, I try to put a stop to what im thinking but I just want it.
I wanna cut just one last time but u know what, its almost 3 months and I don’t wanna ruin it for myself.
But I keep on planning where to get a knife, should I burn myself with fire, should I do that, or do this…those lead me to death.
I thought about it again and I know that I can do it, what is stopping me is that I don’t wanna hurt ppl.
Whats also stopping me is that I don’t wanna be like my friend, when my time is up that means is up.
What I keep on wondering about is the day that I knew she was gone, I start thinking about stuff that could keep me going throw life, what did I really have?
I was stupid not to find any answers but I do now.
Its just weird coz we r all alive now and we r all trying to become something, in the end we r all gonna die and what we have now wont be anything.
So whats the point of living if were gonna lose all that and die some day, why not do it now and get it over with.

I start thinking about how it would be like to was sad and I start crying coz I know I should stop myself but in the same time, I didn’t want too.
I wanted to cry ,I want to hurt myself.
I wanna do it for whatever that I did and was stupid for hurting ppl, for caring way too much about someone that doesn’t give a shit about me.

But its all over now ,I mean I can not do it…im still not sure why but if someday I had kids ,I don’t wanna be like this for them.
The funny part is that when someone die, they die, they wont come back.
Like they were here, laughing but there dead now.
There isn’t anything left ,shes barred in the ground, by the years she will be eaten by worms and other insects..
I used to live for someone else, that person died and they would never come back…inside of me is someone whos going and looking for another reason to live, but I didn’t realize that there is ppl who care about me than her…I fucking decided to suicide, how stupid can that be…
I cant believe im that stupid, I started it for myself, I made myself depressed with a ll of this stupid shit that’s in my head!
I hate myself…u know wishing to die is something that I will always want but I wont do it not that I don’t have the guts, its because its not worth what I will lose in the future..whatever my future is, it will be gone when I die but still, I will come back to life again right, who knows what happen when u die anywayz lol
Have fun with my thoughts and thinking ^^
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